Social Media Mishaps

The Mute is an annual edition of The Voice with satirical articles in honor of April Fools’ Day.

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Instagram

Question: 

“So basically, I got Instagram like six months ago and I followed our entire school district and randos from Somers and Lakeland so I have like 5,679 followers (not that I’m counting or anything). But now, I’ve realized that I don’t know a solid 90% of the people that come up in my feed and I hate it. Why am I spamming 6th graders’ Instagram posts with a dozen comments consisting of only heart-eye emojis? Just like ‘Mean Girls’ (my second Bible) said, ‘She doesn’t even go here!'”

Answer:

That sounds like a personal problem, just kidding…(not). No but seriously, go on an unfollowing spree. Do you really need to see Aunt Kathy playing shuffleboard on a Carnival Cruise in the Bahamas? Or see nine versions of the same selfie from a birthday party you didn’t attend, but end up feeling like you did? Exactly, I didn’t think so. But about the heart-eye emojis, you are so stuck in the 2010s. Update your phone!! You clearly have deeper rooted issues than just your follower count. 

 

Snapchat

Question:

“OH MY GOD I AM FREAKING OUTTTT. MY BFF JUST BROKE OUR SNAPCHAT STREAK!!!! I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T TRUST HER ANYMORE. IT WAS ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED NINETY SEVEN DAYS LONG…THAT IS LIKE FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER GET BACK! WHAT DO I DO?? HELP PLEASE!!!!”

Answer:

Well, that’s tough. You could try writing a strongly worded email to Snapchat HQ, but I wouldn’t. To be honest, any friend that breaks your Snapchat streak is not a friend you want to have. Friendship is based on loyalty, and let’s just say that this is completely unacceptable. It’s not like your friend had anything better to do than send you pictures of their ceiling fan while they’re having a mental breakdown. Wow, some people just can’t be trusted.

 

Youtube

Question:

“Not to flex or anything, but I just hit 1 million subscribers on YouTube. So thank you to all my fans. But, I just posted a video titled “My Top 10 Most Controversial Opinions” and my comment section consists of one thing: CANCELLED. Not really sure why I’m cancelled. Maybe it’s something I said? Or maybe people are just jealous because I looked so good when I was filming? I had just gotten a fresh spray tan. BEST DECISION EVA. I just love the way my skin tone ends up looking like I belong in a bag of Cheetos.”

Answer:

I’m not really sure what to tell you my friend, but let me assure you of one thing and one thing only: your latest YouTube video, “My Top 10 Most Controversial Opinions”, is sooooo not the reason for you being cancelled. If I’ve learned one thing from the memes on my Twitter feed, it’s that the 45th U.S. President is not one for trendsetting. Remember that next time you get a spray tan.